Today marks one year since you were welcomed into Jesus’s arms.
No more seizures. No longer struggling to breathe.
Healed and whole, now drawing in sweet heavenly air.
With every month that passes,
I count how many months it has been since I’ve held you in my arms...
I imagine what it would have been like to see you toddle and
how you would look with your first teeth.
Would you like to eat Avocado? Or only rice like baby Joshua?
So many precious firsts I wish I could have had with you.
With every month my heart aches and I long for just one more day.
Just one more.
Just one more.
September 2nd, 2014.
I woke up to screaming and hearing the night shift nanny running on the stairs,
pounding on my door, I swung it open.
Within one minute we were downstairs in record speed
as they yelled to me that you weren’t breathing.
In the kitchen I laid you on the floor and I started CPR.
With every breath, I begged you to breathe.
Panic coursed through our veins, we cried out.
I ran up the stairs and searched for my keys.
We rushed to the Emergency room at the local hospital near by,
With tears streaming down my face, I held you in my arms,
The doctor said it was too late,
I begged him to be wrong,
I begged him to do something.
He told me he was so sorry...
Berna, our night nurse, and I clung to each other…
We cried and screamed, so painful that moment was.
So much grief and sorrow.
Pain like I'd never experienced,
the raw ache of losing a child.
Our sweet baby boy you had left us so soon..
Each month we had with you we fell more in love.
Before I met you, I loved you.
Just the sound of your name on my lips and I couldn’t wait to hold you for myself.
From the moment you were first placed in my arms, we had a special bond.
I called you my best "accessory" and you were never far from my side.
I carried you everywhere and as you had seizures in my sling, I’d pray healing over you.
We called you, “baby Awfur” as the littles pronounced it.
You had our heart from the very very start.
Oh my precious baby boy, how we long to hold you in our arms one more time.
I longed to see you toddle around and to see that smile of yours.
I can’t wait until I meet you again, heaven is so very sweet with three of my
little loves waiting for me.
You my baby boy are so very loved and won’t ever ever be forgotten.
We miss you and we love you with all our hearts.
Today we praise Jesus for the life you lived.
What a gift you are my sweet baby boy.
So humbled am I that I was chosen to love you and call you mine.
I will carry you in my heart always,
long beyond the empty cradle that's now filled once again.
I will praise Jesus who has chosen me to love you if only for a short season.
but we cling to Jesus who brings us comfort.
In your short life you left an impact the size of the universe.
Because of you, we choose to love and we love fiercely.
For loving sometimes may be painful and bring deep grief and sorrow.
But you my sweet baby boy are worth every painful breath, every sob and every tear.
If I was told before that I would only have a few precious months with you,
I would do it all over again in a heart beat.
For you my sweet baby boy are worth it all and so much more.
I will love you forever and always miss you.
Dance with Jesus my sweet baby boy, dance!
Until I hold you again.